Relationship breakup advice
How to get over your ex

So much relationship breakup advice leans towards getting your ex back. I know. When the pain is bad that's all we can think about. Even if we KNOW this person isn't into us. Even when it's clear this person is bad for us.

I get many letters from people asking how to heal from the loss of someone in their lives. 

They say there is always 'that' one. The one we can't forget. 

Relationship Breakup Advice:


All right, so guys, today I want to speak to you about how to get over your ex, because I know this is a hot one. It was a hot one for me long ago at the time.

And I've seen for many people it's one of the hardest things to do to let go of an ex when you're really hooked.

So make sure you have a cup of tea, some juice, a pen and paper so that you can take notes..

I want you to be able to focus and concentrate with me so that you get the most out of today's mini class.

I've even made sure I've got notes to help us keep focused because I don't want to go longer than 15, 20 minutes. And I have a habit where I can go can go off into 50 minutes. So I'm prepared to be focused.

Okay give me, [00:02:00] on a scale of 1 - 5, and it may not be now, this could also be from the past, like have you......5 - being like, it's really hard for you to let go of an ex or let go of someone you love, 1- being like, no, it's quite easy.

I don't just mean physically walk away from the person. I also mean emotionally, truly being able to let them go in such a way that even if they're around you, you're not triggered by seeing them, you're not triggered by seeing them with someone else, that it becomes easy.

So 5- being it's really hard to let go. 0- being it's really easy.

Me I'm a five, OK?

Like I think throughout throughout my life, I struggled to let go. I would really hold on to people.

It took me some time to get to that place of easiness.

And I'm very interested to know [00:03:00] how it feels for you.

And then I'm interested that when it's hard to let go, when you're struggling to let go, what is the intensity of the feeling?

Describe tell me a little bit about what it feels like for you and you can use the 1 - 5 again like 5 being that the intensity is super high and 0 being that no, it's not a big deal.

So let me describe what I mean by 5.

Right. Let me tell you what it was like for me. And you'll tell me what you resonate with. For me, the heartache was just it felt never ending.

Just absolutely never ending for me. And every day it was intense. I remember it was in a process where we were breaking up, but we hadn't quite broken up. And I was just crying a lot.

Someone slept over and they slept in the lounge and they said they woke [00:04:00] up.

They told me later on they woke up to hear me crying in my bedroom that it was it was the way that I was crying was so heartbreaking for them to hear it because it felt like it was a cry the way someone would cry if they lost their husband.

My husband died or their child died. I didn't even realise until I got that feedback that was the kind of intensity that I was feeling.

There was a desperateness to how I felt.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I could not survive without this person.

It ranged, of course, like intense jealousy when I knew this person was with other people to intense feelings of terror, feeling really afraid of not being able to be with them and also feeling humiliated.

I was quite surprised at how humiliated I felt [00:05:00] like in my mind. Everybody knew.

That I was being laughed at or that people were just like, 'how ridiculous' because this person had cheated on me, had left me! That it hadn't been my choice.

I just felt a lot of shame.

All those things together just made me feel like life was very hard to live.

I would easily go back (to my ex) any opportunity to see him, to spend time with him, and I couldn't give up hope that our relationship would continue.

I lived on that hope for several years.

Despite all evidence telling me otherwise.

Like this guy, you know, in every, in his words, his actions was showing me that he was not going to ever commit to me.But something in my mind kept hoping and praying that somehow it could work out. [00:06:00]

So give me a 3 if you resonate with some of that.

You may experience something else.

So Sibo, "it used to be a 9? It's really challenging to let go emotion." (reading from the comments)

 I want to talk to about 1. The purpose of relationships and what your soul  really wants. And it will kind of give you some insights.

2. Then the only measure I use for deciding if a relationship is worth  being in.

3. Then I'm going to explain the four reasons why you're not getting over your partner, your ex,.

4. And (lastly) what you can do so that you can get over them and have the relationship that you want. Right.

Because that's why that's why you're here and that's why you're hooked onto this relationship, because there's something you're really longing for and I want you to be able to have that shift to make that happen for yourself.

So let's start with the purpose [00:07:00] of relationships and what you Soul really wants.

Before. OK. Before I go there I see there's a comment here.

Quote: "I felt like I wasn't good enough. Almost like screaming and saying, pick me. And I felt rejected.".

And yes, you went back a million times until one day you woke up and you chose yourself.

Yeah, me too. That's exactly what my experience was.

And I like the way you said, almost like screaming, saying, pick me.

 I remember so clearly those thoughts like what is wrong with me? 

 I would look at all my friends who were not going through what I was going through and really think that something was wrong with me, especially because I saw myself as an independent, really independent woman.

I've been quite judgmental of women who got overly attached and didn't let go and let people treat them badly.

I saw a woman as all weak. And then, you know, the time came when I started to have those experiences myself.

So I was pretty judgmental and hard on other women and [00:08:00] on myself when I was going through the same thing.

I think my wakeup was feeling out of control.

I was that I couldn't make a decision that was right for me and stick to it.

So the purpose of relationships- I think this was such a wakeup for me and I learned this from one of my teachers, a woman named Kenya Stevens.

It was the first time I came across this idea that relationships are not like a lot of the other books were kind of writing about, which is about like how to get more companionship and how to get more emotional intimacy and how to get what you want.

Essentially, that the relationships are here for our SOUL growth, for our spiritual growth. And my own spiritual teacher, who taught me meditation, She spoke about how relationships are here to polish us like a diamond.

If you think like a diamond starts with a rock, [00:09:00] this ore. And then you have to polish it in order for that diamond to come out.

Some relationships are, um, they wake us up to the areas that our soul  is longing for expansion in.

For our soul desires to take place because our soul desires are not necessarily our ego desires.

Our ego desires are having romance and having someone to go to the movies with and having someone to snuggle with.

But our soul, wants so much more because our soul yearns for enlightenment.

Our soul  yearns for connection with Source.

So relationship, the purpose of relationships is to wake us up to that.

And when we are hooked on someone in that moment, we have taken Source and we've made Source, this human being.

That's one of the [00:10:00] reasons it's so incredibly painful, is that we have misdirected our soul longing and we've put all that energy into this, this human being and expecting this human being to give it to us for this human being to to give us this love we long for.

And also this growth our soul is longing for- We believe that when we are with this person or we experience this side of ourselves.

So this person is like this window, this glimpse to what our growth is and what we are truly yearning for.

Now, before I come to the four reasons that we, you know, that we get so hooked...

I want to speak about the only measure I use to stay in a relationship.

Sometimes, of course, a person is breaking up with us. They don't want to be with us anymore. And we we. It's about learning to let go. But sometimes relationships, breakup, make up breakup make up. And both people get hooked into each [00:11:00] other and are unable to let go.

So how do you know whether to let go or not? And this is the only measure I use. And it comes down to for me, a person's goodness about whether I stay hooked into a relationship or not.

Even if the relationship is messy and that is, do I have enough love and goodness inside me to keep this relationship safe for this person?

And does this person have enough goodness and love inside them to keep keep the relationship safe for me?

I'm not saying I'm not saying that. Do we not hurt each other ever?

I'm saying do we have enough, BIGGERNESS (BIGNESS) about us to act in each other's interests. Like no matter what, I'm going to act in your interests because I want you to be truly happy.

Now, when you are chasing someone. And demanding and trying to force someone to be with you, in [00:12:00] that moment, you do not have their interests at heart.

You are not making it safe for them because you are taking away their freedom of choice and you are making it, you telling them to be something that they are not.

That isn't love. So for me then, one of the measures I use and it's let me say that it's the defining measure.

Is that do we make it safe for each other?

I remember my mother's my mother taught me something. I was staying in a house with someone and there was a kitten in the house and he put the kitten out in the middle of winter and my mom said to me: "I don't want you sharing the house with this guy." He was just a housemate. And I said, "Why?".

She said, because a person who who can put a baby kitten out in the  freezing winter like this is not someone who is capable of love and compassion.

And if they're not capable of love and compassion in this situation, they won't be capable of love and [00:13:00] compassion for you if the time ever arose because they're only putting their comfort first.

So in this situation, I want you to ask yourself, are you safe and are you making it safe for the other person when you are staying hooked?

Are you making it safe for you to stay hooked into this person or are you behaving in ways that actually makes it really dangerous for you and really dangerous for that other person?

And the reasons that we stay hooked:

Some people become overly attached. Right. And why? Why do some people come overly attached.

The people who've had more trauma in childhood, who didn't learn how to be self soothed, they didn't learn how to connect with their own Source,

In fact, through childhood experiences got really disconnected from themselves and their own Source and found the [00:14:00] world to be an unsafe world and struggle to feel love...

...Struggle to feel belonging and struggle to believe they are worthy of love are more likely, to become overly attached.

What happens when we meet someone is that we believe that what they bringing to us is everything we need. So we become so fearful that if they leave us, they're going to ..... When we lose them, they taking those experiences away from us.

We believe that we'll never be able to have those experiences.

Maybe they're bringing us adventure. Maybe they're bringing us laughter. Maybe they're bringing us, you know, we feel really clever around them.

So we fear that when we lose them, we are not going to be able to have that without them.

And the second thing is the perceived loss of a dream.

So the attachment to this future that we have in our minds, that when we lose this person, [00:15:00] we are losing the dream.

We cannot imagine in that moment that the dream is still possible without this person.

There's an element of addiction in both those things because we have placed all our well-being, our happiness, our dreams in the hands of the presence of this person. So that is a dependency, that is an addiction.

That can happen because our brains don't produce enough happy chemicals.

We haven't learned how to produce enough chemicals through other means and it comes back to that disconnection from Source.

If if we aren't getting enough dopamine, which is our pleasure and reward chemical, motivation chemical...

 ...chasing someone and then having that hit that moment of them, the moment we fall back in their arms,

We get this release of dopamine or if that person has a lot of status and we think [00:16:00] that by them being our partner we look better to society.

We are very reliant and addicted to that person's presence in our life to get a hit of what's called serotonin and serotonin is what makes us feel relaxed and confident and strong.

So the addiction to this person is almost like our crack to feel good.

That is why we keep going back, keep going back and lastly, and I'm going to come to what you need to do about this.

Lastly, which is the humiliation and that that we feel really humiliated and that humiliation is so great.

We will hang onto this person as a way to try and save face, because we're afraid of what people are saying and we feel like a failure.

So what can you do about it? What can you do to help break the connection [00:17:00] to this person, to help you emotionally let go? So the first thing I think is to...

1. Not mistake your pain for love. When you're missing them it's not love. That is the addiction. When we love and missing someone are not the same thing.

When we love someone, we appreciate them.

We don't need to miss them. We don't need to crave them. We don't need to need them.

So when you're needing someone and you're feeling desperate, it is not a measure of your love, it's a measure of the emptiness.

And it's a measure of the addiction cycle and how unsafe you're feeling and how disconnected you're feeling from your own Source, from your Higher Self, from God, from the Divine energy, the Universal Intelligence, whatever your language is.

2. The second thing is, is to just accept where you are and allow yourself to grieve. Don't rush the process. Don't [00:18:00] move to fix the pain.

Allow your heartache to just be and allow yourself to cry. And I'm going to give you something that you could do that will help that grieving process along.

And to not be afraid of all the emotions that you're going through, the anger, the fear, the longing.

3. What helped me immensely was to recognise that to love someone doesn't mean they need to be in my life. To love someone I can... I don't have to stop loving someone just because I can't be with them anymore.

I don't have to stop loving someone just because they treated me badly.

It's okay to love someone because love is...You can't... if you love someone, you can't just decide, oh, I don't love them today.

That love is eternal

So getting over someone doesn't require of you to make your heart cold and to cut that love.

You can allow [00:19:00] yourself to love them, but to recognise that you can love them at a distance and that they're not good for you.

And then I think the last thing is...

4. Just speaking a little bit to the addiction before I go off, is that when you recognise that you're in a pattern of addiction, you will reframe the problem.

And every time you go into that longing, every time you go into that craving, into that heartache, you can recognise that it's no different to the longing for cigarettes or the longing for alcohol or the longing for cocaine.

In that moment what you are is in a cycle of trauma and you're trying to fix the trauma and an escape from that pain by seeking contact with this person.

So instead of seeking contact with [00:20:00] this person is to turn it around to yourself and and say, "OK, I'm seeking this right now.

How do I seek this from me? What do I need right now? What am I wanting right now? I'm wanting adventure, I'm wanting laughter, I'm wanting to feel safe, I'm wanting to feel loved. How can I give myself that before I contact this person?

Before I send the message, before I respond to a text message, let me see if I can give this to myself."

And what are the things that you can do to help to create the life that allows you to give your self those things that you're desperately craving?

Now I'm going to give you an action step that you can go away with before I give you that action step.

 Please do come on over to my Facebook group. It's called Soul Full Love 

 We'll have deeper conversations [00:21:00] in that group going forward over the next months to help for you to get over the pain and to learn how to create the life that you want.

So the thing you the one thing now that the extra step I want to give you is you can write this person a farewell letter.

You may or may not choose to give this to the person. It is a love letter and it's really helped me.

It allowed me to express everything I felt I hadn't expressed yet. Things that were sitting on my chest, things that were sitting in my mind. And I was having conversations with this person. I wrote it all down.

I expressed all the ways that I loved them and why I loved them and what I loved about them.

And I also expressed the things that had hurt me, the things I needed to say.

What's important about this letter? It's not a letter of vengeance. It's not a letter of ranting. So when you speak your truth about the things that you want to say, to stand up for yourself, the things that you feel that [00:22:00] need to be said, you're not doing it in the vein of revenge and venting and trying to hurt that person.

So when you do, is to come from your Higher Self and ask what would my Higher Self say to this person now so that I can feel like there is nothing left unsaid.

And I know I've done everything and said everything that needs to be done and said.

Then you can you can burn the letter and release it to the Universe.

Or if you really need, if you find yourself, you keep phoning the person and you keep trying to talk and have conversation, you can send it to them.

But know when you send it to them to not expect a response, ok.

If you feel that you need a response, then rather burn the letter and send it to the Universe.

It's very important that you send the letter without...

...(with) setting your mind up that hey, I'm not going to get a response. I don't even want a response. I don't need to know how this person [00:23:00] feels about what I have said.

All right, guys, to you all healing. May your hearts, May your hearts be soothed.

And just know nothing is wrong with you.

What you're going through is a very normal experience. And this, too, will pass.

And just sending you a big hug and love.

 For more relationship breakup advice, I'll see you in my group here. 

Jo Ntsebeza is a qualified professional coach, facilitator, trainer and lay counsellor.

All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website. 

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Hi, I'm Jo, a qualified coach and facilitator. Host of the Dare To Love Club. Creator of The FreshStart Love Journey. I'm lover of love, a relationship explorer. You can find out more about my story and my professional qualifications and experience here.  xo, Jo

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