The brutal truth about codependent
relationships with unavailable partners

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The brutal truth about codependent
relationships with unavailable partners

Nothing triggers codependent relationships like an unavailable partner.

You feel like a fool.

But you love them so much it hurts...

 ...You’re generous, kind and loving. You give and you give.


...Not only does your partner not appreciate it, they're MIA (missing-in-action) in the relationship.

You may be wondering, "Am I codependent"?

I didn't see myself as needy.

My childhood is full with happy memories of playing with my imagination, wild cats and climbing trees.  I've a strong independent streak.

Truth is I don't account much to anyone.

Imagine what it did to my ego when I realised that I'd become needy with any boy I'd crush on. There was man boy at school who for four years I pined after. In grade 10, I'd call him often. The awkwardness of silence and the lack of any real conversation didn't stop me. Looking back I want to bury myself 10-foot deep and hide. My face has gone crimson red. 

I didn't understand it then. I'd become the constant initiator. It was to become my negative pattern.

The thing is, initiating IS part of my personality. It's my talent. It has it's advantages. I wouldn't change this part of me for anything.

I also don't subscribe to predetermined  gender roles of who must initiate and the games people play in relationships.

It's not the initiating in itself I am embarrassed of.

It's that in even in the face of clear rejection, I didn't stop.

I had reasons in my head: "Maybe he is just shy''

OMG I could die. What was I thinking? 

Later in my early 20's it hit me hard. I fell in love in a BIG way.

It wasn't so much that I wanted constant attention...

...It was how I handled the rejection, uncertainty and infidelity. Up until that time, I'd hidden the emotional turmoil I felt at feeling so unwanted. 

Now, everything unraveled. I got what I now call the 'codependent crazies'.

The episodes of codependent relationship 'crazies' left me ridden in guilt, helplessness and shame

This on top of trauma activated YEARS of depression. Feeling out of control spiralled me in ways I couldn't have foreseen. I didn't know who I was or how to stop myself.

Once I'd healed my childhood wounds and the chitter chatter of endless insecurities, I felt a NEW me emerge. I focused on the relationship with myself and let that transform my relationship with others.  

And here, my partner (my now husband) showed up emotionally present for me. I didn't play hard to get. 

I feel wanted and loved. I don't need constant attention or validation to feel connected to him. I know how to feel that all on my own. What a difference it makes to the relationship. 

It gives me a peace of mind and is truer to who I am. A free spirit. I have the best of both now. A present partner and my independent spirit.

The vicious cycle in codependent relationships with an unavailable partner.

If you're reading this, chances are you may resonate. 

You KNOW what you're doing is not healthy and even inappropriate. You pride yourself on being an independent spirit. Yet you feel compelled? 

Here is the dealUnavailable partners don't cause the neediness. They reveal your insecurities waiting in the wings, calling YOU for attention.

Does this sound familiar? 

 The greater the unavailability the more insecure you feel? Your insecurity makes you reliant on your partner’s presence to feel validated and safe. Uncertainty feels like life or death?

As your emotional need for their attention increases, the more distant they seem. Your probing for depth, conversation and reassurance pushes them into that DREADED cave. 

The more you try the worse it gets. 

So you GIVE and GIVE. By now you feel taken advantage of. Used. You'e a mess. 

You’re hurt because they don’t appreciate your generosity and kindness. And confused because you can’t tell if they love you back. 

Aarrrgh!! If only they would tell the truth. 


             ...Is to them your love is a volcano

Whilst magnificent, it’s volatile and ALL consuming. They can’t breathe.  

During a #LoveShiftLive class in my FB group on conflict and drama in relationships, feedback on people like myself who are ALWAYS seeking togetherness stings:

"Wow!! Soo much admin Jo"


"This Clingy partner can make it difficult, and to me it's draining."

It’s painful to know your love makes them feel trapped. If they don’t want you, why don’t they say so?

Relationships are about togetherness, aren’t they?

It hurts so much, you too can’t breathe. You think about them 24/7. 

You're not alone in how your relationship got here. You've co-created this pattern together. So it's not about blame. Now that you are here, you can do something to shift it. 

Because it only takes ONE person. Even if your partner doesn't love you or is cheating, you don't need to be at their mercy. You don't need to feel so desperate and alone.

Today I'm speaking to you the AVAILABLE one.

People respond to your INSIDE energy.

Neediness and insecurity REPEL.

Serenity, Confidence and Authenticity ATTRACT.

Where to next: START HERE

Jo Ntsebeza is a qualified professional coach, facilitator, trainer and lay counsellor.

All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website. 

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