What I learned from attracting unavailable men!
For most of my life, I was attracted to and drew towards me men who were emotionally unavailable. Be it they were married, drug addicts, not that into me, or emotionally distant. I thought, like many women do, that men are just jackasses...
…Blaming them was a distraction. It didn’t empower me. It wasn’t healing me. It definitely wasn’t shifting my pattern.
WORST of all I was pushing great partners away.
I came to acknowledge the pattern of unavailable partners was MY pattern. It was not about the men I was with. The common factor in every relationship was - ME! I was the one who wanted this kind of man. YIKES!!!
I wanted to understand why I chose the same thing over and over?
I came to see it was not that I was ATTRACTING UNAVAILABLE men.
Rather if there were ten men in the room, I would notice the UNAVAILABLE one. I went from partner to partner only to experience the same thing. If I met someone who really wanted to be with me, I'd lose interest.
First, I shifted the kind of man I was attracted to.
I had to heal the trauma of abandonment or I was going to sabotage the relationship. I took a stand and intended a different reality for myself in relationships. I consciously and radically broke away from this pattern. I discovered the love of my life is immensely committed to being present. By shifting me on the inside, I changed my world.
When I first shared some of my experiences, my inbox was flooded from highly successful women who resonated with my experiences.
YOU TOO can shift this dynamic. If you're with a good person, you can shift the things that keep pushing them away. And if you're drawn to people who are not capable of love, you can shift WHO you are attracted to and change your pattern.
Attracting unavailable partners
can happen when:
1. You have an unconscious fear of relationships. It's YOU who fears commitment .
Your fear of feeling trapped is greater than the pain of not
being wanted - until it isn't.
Or you’re a rebel. You're a rule breaker. A short cut taker.
Deep down you're terrified of commitment,
responsibility and showing up every day.
This is the game of pursuit and
One partner chases the other runs the moment one partner stops
running and gives attention the roles reverse.
"I had to work on my fear of commitment to allow my husband to be unbelievably present for me and what a joy."
2. Self esteem in relationships matters - ‘Something Is Wrong With Me’
You feel shame about who you are intrinsically. You don't
really want people to know who you are.
You're afraid that when people find out
they won't really like you because you don't like you.
You're dependent on
others to feel validated. People who don't like themselves are often attracted
to unavailable partners.
People treat us the way we treat ourselves - the best and the worst. In THOUGHTS, in words and in deeds. How you see yourself matters.
You've become a people pleaser. Ever ready
to give. Always saying you're sorry.
"I was obsessed not with my beauty or greatness but my ugliness every flaw every weakness was all I could see in me. And I put my partners on a pedestal. I saw only their greatness.
You see I broke me. I didn't need anyone else to do it."
Most people leave relationships because they discover parts of themselves they'd rather bury.
The secret is to have new thoughts new feelings so that you feel good about yourself.
"When I made peace with me, my experience in relationships shifted and I created intimacy and love. I ended the war."
3. How We See Men Or Women (Relationships & Life)
When you don't get what you want you cast yourself as the
victim. It's no longer your fault.
It's not everyone else's. Now your partner is no longer on a
pedestal. They've become the villain. Subconsciously you see people as
uncommitted, uncaring and users.
You hold yourself in contrast as the ideal perfect partner
making the other a demon in your mind. They're wrong and you're right.
relationships as the solution and the cause of your pain. You swing between the
idea of a perfect marriage and the expectation of disappointment. You mourn
with rage the fantasy you can't have.
to what you believe and you create what you expect the unavailable partner and
until you've undone your beliefs by default you'll keep unavailability alive in
"The work here for me was to undo the ways I saw men. I broke
the stories and expectations that I thought I knew.
And without thinking something is wrong with me, I recognised
I'm not the perfect partner I had in my head any more than anyone is.
No more no less than anyone else. Am I ever the perfect partner
for who I am with as he is for me.
"I am however the perfect partner for who I am with, as he is for me."
Accepting we are not ideal. We are the perfect imperfect us.
4. Recreating the past
GRAB YOUR FREE
You create childhood experiences because it is familiar. It is
how you understand love. If your parents or caregivers were unavailable in any
way you'll be attracted to unavailable partners.
The unavailable father, mother, teacher, sibling, childhood
friend. Desperately craving your needs from childhood to still be met healed or
childhood wounds and you'll change your life.
You are the one you were looking for.
I used to easily fall out of love when really available loving men were very interested in me. The discomfort overwhelmed me. I felt it was too much.
5. Addiction to the CHASE. You're Easily Bored!
Addiction to the chase - you're easily bored. Attracting
unavailable partners keep the thrill alive. The lust for happiness chemicals
causes the chasing syndrome.
The anticipation of it floods you.
This is why you've become compulsive. It's no different to a
Do you reach for food or booze? Or overwork instead?
The reward of a response are high.
In marriage the chase is the first to go. Many affairs come
from this place.
The happier you become on the inside the less you need that
happiness from the outside.
So learn to be alone. Seek a spiritual connection. Fill you
It was away in another country - drama free - that I first realised I missed the thrill of crisis, the chase and heightened sensations of wanting someone I could not have. There was a high with it that well - made me feel SO ALIVE.
6. Dependence on someone else for happiness!
If your brain learned unhappiness growing up, you might be
dependent on the presence of others to feel alive, connected and safe. To feel
validated and experience meaning.
You need an emotional reboot so that you can feel happiness on
your own terms no matter what someone else does or doesn't do.
Break the pattern of being blown by the outside winds of the
You are far more powerful than that.
In a marriage neediness repels. Confidence and joy attract.
If your brain learned unhappiness growing up you might be dependant on the presence of others to feel alive, to feel connected, to feel safe and to feel validated and to experience meaning.
You need to REBOOT YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY so that you can feel happiness on your own terms no matter what someone else does or doesn’t do. Break the pattern of being blown so easily by the outside world.
You are far more powerful than that.
And you'll keep attracting unavailable partners until you breakthrough from your emotional dependency.
People who are emotionally dependent end up in codependent relationships.
In a marriage, neediness REPEL. Confidence and joy ATTRACT.
7. You're impatient. Unable to delay gratification.
Where there is a chase or urgent need, you can know there is impatience.
Practise taking time out from your relationship.
Practice not needing to be called.
Practice handling not getting what you want when you want it.
Practice sending messages without expecting a message back.
I had no patience and wondered what I wanted when I wanted it.
"Breathe Jo, breathe".
Sit with the craving and discover what's there.
"Ah there it is." The answer. She whispers back.
8. Have a Love Affair With YOU! THE NEED TO FEEL ALIVE.
Be completely in love with you and your life. Be your own
relationship so there is no wanting.
Anything we feel desperate for will evade us. You do not need
to find love, you are love. That is your essence.
Reignite a sense of wonderment and curiosity inside you.
See the world through a through a child's eyes.
And this is even more true for married people. If you don't
feel alive your lean on your partner for energy, pushing them away.
Not because they don't love you but because they're protecting
their life force from depletion.
I started a love affair with myself and the more I live
truthfully to me the better I feel inside.
I stopped putting my partner on a pedestal from what he could
I came to accept I like to sleep early and prefer to be in at
night and I am super serious and really chatty.
I like sing along songs more than brilliant music and I don't
understand intellectual art. I don't enjoy documentaries nearly as much as I do
These are things I thought should be different you see because
I wanted me to be well, not really me but the people I admired.
Accept yourself. You don't need to be different. Not everything
is a flaw.
Live your life is YOU not as you perceive your partner needs
A love affair with yourself is the path to your joy. And if you
cannot love yourself and your life no one will do it for you.
There is nothing
more attractive than the you that is you.
9. It's A Healing Doorway For You, If You Know How To Use It
Relationships amplify the pain that is already present. Upsets are a doorway to what is unsolved inside you.
This is your psyches giving you a doorway to healing.
You attract the wound so you may heal it. From the inside first. This is our work together.
- To see relationship problems as material we can use for healing.
- To grow beyond your expectations.
- To forgive.
Healing is the doorway to break free from the pattern of unavailable partners.
Talking about it alone doesn't lead to healing. And reflection, while useful doesn't lead to change. It's only half the work.
Healing requires a rewiring spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
For only from here can your strength and capacity to love grow.
You'll find as you heal, not only will you cope with what life sends her way, you'll find your emotional pain will lift. And on the other side is emotional freedom. LOVE at it's best.
And the cost of not doing so... is too high.
NOTE: If You Are Single Again Stop Dating. DON't wait for a relationship to do this work.
Be celibate all together for a while to heal you until you notice that you do not notice your type of guy who falls into the unavailable partners category. And until they too do not notice you anymore.
If You Are Single Again after a Divorce - When You Do Meet Someone.
Do not be sexually intimate with someone you do not know really well and where there's not a mutual desire for a long-term relationship. Take your time.
This is not about morals. This isn't about slut shaming. This is about breaking your pattern of FALLING in LOVE too quickly with someone who is ‘not that into you.’ Until you've broken free from the pattern of unavailable partners you can not trust yourself with someone you've recently met.
Ask questions and ask more questions.
Not in the first few days. Not all once. Find out what someone you are dating really wants. Find out how they see relationships, how they see the world, how ready are they for something more.
Discover how they respond to conflict, emotions and difficult conversations FIRST.
Do not hurry. The right person isn’t going anywhere.
LASTLY, See It & Believe It. If you Can ONLY see Your Partner as An Unavailable Partner - What you SEE you will Conceive.
SEE it BELIEVE it and love being where you are. Only when you can love being where you are NOW, are you ready for something more.
Only when you experience gratitude for the one you are with are you ready for something more.
Have faith in yourself and others. We achieve only what we have the capacity to see and believe.
This takes practise. And like the healing it requires the repetitive discipline of mental training to rewire your thought patterns and the images you go to when you think of your relationship.
See the BEST in your partner, even in a fight. (and if you believe there is no best, it's time to ask, what keeps you there if you believe your partner is so bad?)
You Are Not Your Pain. You Can Shift painful patterns. You can create the love you want.
You Are Not Your Pain.
"One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon.
Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet."
May these words light a fire for anyone who yearns. For anyone who wants to stop attracting unavailable partners
Perhaps not meant for a lover though but for the highest part of you known as GOD/SOURCE.
You are the one you are waiting for.
Not just a cliche.
Where do you begin?
By building yourself from the inside. Putting in happiness habits into every aspect of your life. Seeking your own LOVE first...
...BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE!
Copyright Jo Ntsebeza 2016
Jo Ntsebeza is a qualified professional coach, facilitator, trainer and counsellor.
All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website.