What I learned from attracting unavailable partners!
For most of my life, I was attracted to and drew towards me men who were emotionally unavailable. Be it they were married, drug addicts, not that into me, or emotionally distant. I thought, like many women do, that men are just jackasses...
…Blaming them was a distraction. It didn’t empower me. It wasn’t healing me. It definitely wasn’t shifting my pattern.
WORST of all I was pushing great partners away.
I came to acknowledge the pattern of unavailable partners was MY pattern. It was not about the men I was with. The common factor in every relationship was - ME! I was the one who wanted this kind of man. YIKES!!!
I wanted to understand why I chose the same thing over and over?
I came to see it was not that I was ATTRACTING UNAVAILABLE partners.
Rather if there were ten men in the room, I would notice the UNAVAILABLE one. I went from partner to partner only to experience the same thing. If I met someone who really wanted to be with me, I'd lose interest.
First, I shifted the kind of man I was attracted to. When I met my husband, who was nothing like any of the men I’d dated before, I soon began to experience the SAME THING.
I had to heal the trauma of abandonment or I was going to sabotage the relationship. I took a stand and intended a different reality for myself in relationships. I consciously and radically broke away from this pattern. I discovered the love of my life is immensely committed to being present. By shifting me on the inside, I changed my world.
When I first shared some of my experiences, my inbox was flooded from highly successful women who resonated with my experiences. This is how I began my lone relationship advice journey.
If you’re married to someone who is unavailable it’s not too late. If s/he is a good person, YOU can shift this dynamic.
Attracting unavailable partners can happen when:
1. You have an unconscious fear of relationships. It's YOU who fears commitment .
You fear being accountable. You fear the loss of freedom and spontaneity. You are responsibility avoidant.
Or you’re a rebel. You're a rule breaker. A short cut taker.
Deep down you're terrified of commitment, responsibility and showing up everyday.
Variants of this can be negative views towards marriage or long lasting relationships. Long lasting anything really.
"I yearned for a committed relationship and feared it at the same time. I chose relationships where I didn’t have to feel suffocated.
My fear of feeling trapped was greater than the pain I experienced from not being wanted. Until it wasn’t.
I did a lot of work on what I perceived commitment means for me, my views on marriage and my fear of being responsible.
This is still work I do on the inside."
2. Self esteem in relationships matters
We have the thoughts ‘Something Is Wrong With Me’
You don't really want people to know who you are. You've become dependant on others to feel validated.
Many women who are attracted to unavailable men find themselves caught in codependent relationships, not only romantically, but with their kids, their friends and in the workplace. Why do you need the outside world so much?
This can happen with a deep internal belief 'something is wrong with me’...
...That causes you to feel shame about who you are intrinsically. That when people find out who you are they won't really like you.
Because you don’t like you. People who don't like themselves are often attracted to unavailable partners.
People treat us the way we treat ourselves - the best and the worst. In THOUGHTS, in words and in deeds. How you see yourself matters.
This is not even about thinking you’re a bad person who does bad things. You may even know you’re a good person who is loving. You may know you are beautiful in many ways.
No, this is a thought deeper than that. Like you’re a mistake. You’re not at peace with your humanity.
This aspect of you is drawn to narcissism (someone who sees themselves as the SUN) and the sociopath (someone who calculates how they can take what they need) type.
You become a people pleaser. Ever ready to give. Always saying you’re sorry.
"I was obsessed not with my greatness but my ugliness. Every flaw, every weakness, was all I could see in me. And I put my partners on a pedestal. I saw only their greatness. I was the perfect prey.
You see I broke me. I didn’t need anyone else to do it."
Most people leave relationships not because of who the other person is but because of who they are around their partner. They discover parts of themselves they’d rather bury.
The secret is to have high self esteem. What is self esteem? It's the way you THINK and FEEL about yourself. You need to rewire your brain. To have new thoughts, new feelings so that you feel good about yourself.
So you can make peace with YOU! A peaceful mind attracts peaceful relationships.
3. How We See Men Or Women (Relationships & Life)
You hold a view of men (or women) as uncommitted, uncaring and users. You hold yourself in contrast as the ideal perfect partner. Making the ‘other’ a demon in your mind.
You see relationships as both the solution to your pain and a prison - all at once.
You swing between the fantasy of a perfect marriage and the expectation of disappointment.
You mourn with rage the fantasy you can’t have.
You’re attracted to what you believe and you create what you expect - UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS.
Until you’ve undone your beliefs, by default, you’ll keep unavailability alive in your life.
"The work here for me personally was to undo the ways I saw men. I broke through the stories and expectations and THOUGHT anew. And without thinking something is wrong with me … I recognized that I am not the perfect partner I had in my head…
...any more than anyone is. No more, no less than any other person.
"I am however the perfect partner for who I am with, as he is for me."
Accepting we are not ideal.
We are the perfect imperfect us.
4. Recreating the past
GRAB YOUR FREE
You recreate childhood experiences because it is familiar. It’s how you understand love. If your parents or caregivers were unavailable in ANY way, you'll be attracted to unavailable partners.
The unavailable father, mother, teacher, sibling, childhood friend.
Desperately craving your needs from childhood to still be met.
I use to easily fall out of love when really available loving men were very interested in me. The discomfort overwhelmed me. I felt it was too much.
Heal from childhood wounds is a pathway to letting go of unhealthy relationships.
You are the one you are looking for.
5. You yearn for aliveness.
Be completely in love with you and your life.
Be your own relationship so there is no wanting. Anything we feel desperate for will evade us. You are what you are looking for. You do not need to find love. You are love. That is your essence. Just get out of your own way by healing your pain.
For as you feel more alive on the INSIDE, you'll break free from the pattern of attracting unavailable partners.
This is even more true for married people.
If you don't feel alive you'll lean on your partner for energy - pushing them away. Not because they don't love you. But because they're protecting their life force from depletion.
6. Addiction to the CHASE. You're Easily Bored!
Attracting unavailable partners keeps the thrill alive.
Lust for happy chemicals causes the chasing syndrome. And setting up the chase releases dopamine. Especially every time you get a response. Any response will do. Even negative attention.
The anticipation of it floods you. This is why you become compulsive. No different to a coke addiction.
Do you reach for food or booze? Or overwork instead?
In marriage the chase is the first to go. Many affairs come from this place.
It was away in another country - drama free - that I first realised I missed the thrill of crisis, the chase and heightened sensations of wanting someone I could not have. There was a high with it that well - made me feel SO ALIVE.
7. Dependence on someone else for happiness!
If your brain learned unhappiness growing up you might be dependant on the presence of others to feel alive, to feel connected, to feel safe and to feel validated and to experience meaning.
You need to REBOOT YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY so that you can feel happiness on your own terms no matter what someone else does or doesn’t do. Break the pattern of being blown so easily by the outside world.
You are far more powerful than that.
And you'll keep attracting unavailable partners until you breakthrough from your emotional dependency.
People who are emotionally dependent end up in codependent relationships.
In a marriage, neediness REPEL. Confidence and joy ATTRACT.
8. You're impatient. Unable to delay gratification.
Practice taking time out from your relationship. One of the lessons attracting unavailable partners bring is patience. It shows you where you are unable to delay gratification.
Practice not needing to be called. Practice handling not getting what you want, when you want it. Practice sending messages without expecting a message back
'I had no patience. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. BREATHE Jo BREATHE. Sit with the CRAVING and discover what's there. Ah, there it is. the Answer. She whispers back.'
9. It's A Healing Doorway For You, If You Know How To Use It
Relationships amplify the pain that is already present. Upsets are a doorway to what is unsolved inside you. This is also your psyches way of giving you a doorway to healing.
You attract the wound so you may heal it. From the inside first. This is our work together. To see relationship problems as material we can use for healing. To grow beyond your expectations. To forgive.
Healing is the doorway to break free form the pattern of unavailable partners. And thinking about things doesn't lead to healing.
Healing requires a rewiring spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
For only from here can your strength and capacity to love grow.
You'll find as you heal, the pattern of attracting unavailable partners will shift. Even within a marriage.
Because makes us sabotage relationships, blocking the intimacy in marriage we long for.
10. Have a Love Affair With YOU!
I started a love affair with myself.
The more I live my life truthfully to me, the more I feel good inside. I shifted how I saw myself.
I stopped putting my partner on a pedestal. From which he could only fall.
I came to accept I like to sleep early and prefer to be in at night. Or that I am super serious most of the time and really chatty. I like sing-along music more than brilliant music and I don't understand intellectual art. I don't enjoy documentaries nearly as much as I do the Bachelor.
These are things I thought SHOULD be different you see because I wanted me to be well, not really me, but the people I admired.
I healed the part of me that NEEDED someone. Sometimes I am still healing her.
In other words, be at peace with your flaws. Do not hide them. Deep self-acceptance is required. Be at peace with who you are. You don't need to be different. Not everything is a flaw.
Live your life as YOU. Not as you perceive your partner needs you to.
A love affair with yourself is the fastest path to your joy.
People who are in love with life have an attractive quality that draws people to them. If your attraction to unavailable partners has led you to a marriage where you constantly feel a WANTING - if you can not love yourself and your life, no one will do it for you.
11. If You Are Single Again Stop Dating.
Be celibate all together for a while to heal you until you notice that you do not notice your type of guy who falls into the unavailable partners category. And until they too do not notice you anymore.
If You Are Single Again after a Divorce - When You Do Meet Someone.
Do not be sexually intimate with someone you do not know really well and where there's not a mutual desire for a long-term relationship. Take your time.
This is not about morals. This isn't about slut shaming. This is about breaking your pattern of FALLING in LOVE too quickly with someone who is ‘not that into you.’ Until you've broken free from the pattern of unavailable partners you can not trust yourself with someone you've recently met.
Ask questions and ask more questions.
Not in the first few days. Not all once. Find out what someone you are dating really wants. Find out how they see relationships, how they see the world, how ready are they for something more.
Discover how they respond to conflict, emotions and difficult conversations FIRST.
Do not hurry. The right person isn’t going anywhere.
12. See It & Believe It. If you Can ONLY see Your Partner as An Unavailable Partner - What you SEE you will Conceive.
SEE it BELIEVE it and love being where you are. Only when you can love being single are you ready for something more. Only when you experience gratitude for the one you are with are you ready for something more.
Have faith in yourself and others. We achieve only what we have the capacity to see and believe.
This takes practise. And like the healing it requires the repetitive discipline of mental training to rewire you thought patterns and the images you go to when you think of your relationship.
You Are Not Your Pain. You Can Shift The Pattern of Dating Emotionally Unavailable Partners. You Are Not Your Pain.
"One day You will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon.Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet." - Rumi
These words light a fire for anyone who yearns.Perhaps not meant for a lover though but for the highest part of you known as GOD/SOURCE.You are the one you are waiting for. Not just a cliche. Where do you begin? By building yourself from the inside.Putting in happiness habits into every aspect of your life. Seeking your own LOVE first...BELIEVE IN YOUR ABILITY TO BREAK FREE FROM UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS.
Copyright Jo Ntsebeza 2016
Jo Ntsebeza is a qualified professional coach, facilitator, trainer and counsellor.
All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website.