7 Things I wish I had known before getting married.

 How Can I Help You?

Break the unavailable pattern roadmap

Join THE  FACEBOOk Group


7 Things I wish I had known before getting married.

This advice for a happy marriage isn't what you or I were told.

Growing up, depending on where you came from, you may have heard one of these two successful marriage tips.

  1.  Be nice, because that makes you GOOD WIFE MATERIAL. 
  2.  Stand your ground, have balls and don't take BS. 

Neither, the best marriage advice if you want more from your life than conflict, unhappiness and pain. 

The first which is to be GOOD WIFE MATERIAL doesn't make for a fantastic life.  Good for who? One may ask. 

And the latter may be great for warding off psychopaths and sociopaths.

But to enter a marriage with the premise your partner at any moment is the enemy, isn't doesn't make for healthy relationship advice. 

Because nothing works with psychopaths and sociopaths except getting the fuck out of the relationship. 

If you're in this kind of relationship you want to break free from the attraction to the 'bad guy or woman' pattern ASAP!!! 

I am gonna assume you're not with a pathological liar, cheat or violent abuser.

If you are get the help you need to leave. 

If you're with a reasonable person, standing your ground is not healthy relationship advice.  It's excessive.

Approaching most relationships with 'I don't take shit' attitude lends itself to you becoming the narcissist in the relationship. 

 I learned this, like many of us do, too late.

It's advice in hindsight I'd give myself before I got married. 

Professionally, I'm suggesting you grow your emotional and spiritual intelligence wings. Bluntly, it's kinda saying 'GROW the F&@K UP'.

Personally, my husband has seen my immaturity more than any human being on the planet. He could ruin me professionally.  I'd stay married to him just to make sure he never talks.  (Or I'd have know.. do what gangsters do.)

PSSST!  BEFORE I confess, click here and c'mon over to our Facebook group SOUL FULL LOVE. 

I wish I had known before getting married what I know now. I may have married sooner.

I knew the day I met my husband we would wed. I couldn’t wait to get married. I’d have tied the knot on day two if he’d asked.  Although I never brought it up (that much) I felt like Shrek: "Are we there (married) yet?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 

I had to wait what felt like





As if getting married was somewhere to go.  I know many a gal (and guy) who ended up thinking like me.  Only to find once in the marriage, life still has all the same problems, if not more.    

Advice for a happy marriage #1
I wish I had known before getting married...


...I never knew there’d be nowhere to hide.I’d this fantasy in my head of who I thought I should be. Who I wanted to be.  A queen of unconditional love. Ever patient, kind & gentle, full with light.

The most giving, loving wife turned vixen at night. Except. I felt tired and stressed. Sometimes even depressed.  All my problems I had before we met were magnified.

No matter how much your partner tries, if you’re lonely before, you’ll be even lonelier in marriage. If you’re at all insecure, you’ll be even more so now.

Learn how to manage your stress.

Advice for a happy marriage 2#  
I wish I had known before getting married...


When we dated it was easy to show up energised and full of fun, ready to please. To do anything from wild sex in garden parks to climbing pathless thorny mountains in the midday sun. I could stay up til dawn, and listen for hours on end. I’d the energy of a goddess. If I knew then what I knew now, I’d have known I wasn’t less.

I’d have trusted him with the me that was me, not quite as adventurous as I’d made out to be. It wasn’t sustainable to live his life. I’m lucky. He’s wise enough to want me to be happy more than he needs me.

But who would have blamed him if he felt disappointed when I changed. And I was wise enough to NOT expect him to change because I did.

You gotta be yourself.  

Live your life. Don’t expect your partner to live yours or yourself to live theirs.

Advice for a happy marriage 3#  
I wish I had known before getting married... 

...Dating and living with someone is NOT the same thing. 

                (Just like friendship and becoming business partners are not the same thing.)

Sharing physical and emotional space with someone is hard work. It’s doing the small things differently. Like leaving the toilet seat up or down. I once moved his things and he couldn’t find them. He was livid. 

“I need order Jo!’ he pleaded. He was pretty mad. “And I need the dishes washed!" I thought.

 If ever you’ll resonate with an axe murderer, it’ll be after marriage. If you cannot allow people to be who they are even when they irritate you, you’ll be a tyrant. 

Advice for a happy marriage 4#  
I wish I had known before getting married... 

...I would keep score. I never thought myself the type. 

Tit For Tat.

Every time we fought I discovered my mind is a score-keeping child. What good thing Id done for him, and what bad thing he had done to me.

These are not my proudest moments. If you keep score it’ll taint every good moment you’ve shared.  

Advice for a happy marriage 5#  
I wish I had known before getting married... 

...Expectations lead to insecurity. 

Never mind marriage, lets speak about courtship. I couldn’t help come with a preconceived notion of what relationship looks like.

After I didn’t hear from him for three days, I called him threatening to break up. After all, surely that meant he was not that into me. I was utterly confused.

A marriage that cannot handle time apart suffocates. When we demand love the way we believe love should be, we don’t trust the person to really love us.

How can we? After all we know we’ve manipulated the person into giving us what we want.

The best way to relase the need for unreasonable expectations and your fear of time apart is to connect deeply with your inner self. 

Advice for a happy marriage 6#
 I wish I had known before getting married... 

My need to be right would come between us more than another woman ever could. 

The most powerful question ever put to me was by Byron Katie author of ‘’Loving what is’.

  “Do you want to be right or do you want to be free?” This question alone has saved me from a bad marriage. How many fights we’d have had if I chose to be right.  Being right can make for a long, long night.

Criticism, control, arrogance and competitiveness is the ultimate recipe for pain. I call it the Mommy Bitch Syndrome. (Men do it too).  

Love dies so you can be right and better. I still do it sometimes. So does he.

We’re human. But when one of us is in ‘I’m right ‘ mode, the other lets it go and doesn’t take it personally. No grudges. Otherwise it’s war.

If you can’t love someone when theyshow up in disagreement with you inwhat they do or don't do; it was neverlove in the first place. 

Advice for a happy marriage 7#
 I wish I had known before getting married... 

If I don’t look after me I can bring nothing to the marriage.

Being miserable makes for a very bad living partner.

When I don’t get enough sleep, or take time do what I love, I’m not that nice. Self-care should be a legal requirement in a marriage. Cultivate your inner strength.

Focus on your happiness habits. Because the recipe for happiness is not in your marriage but within YOU!

Don’t give up on anything that regenerates you.  

Get more sleep, drink enough water, exercise, meditate, and be happy.

Your stuff is your stuff and marriage won’t solve your problems. Only you can.You figure that out early on. You learn not to blame each other for your pain. You learn how to love anyway.

Because there is no other choice if you want your marriage to thrive.

But most of all I wish I’d known before getting married just how much marriage would grow me, and all the wonders of being loved so much. 

I would have fretted less and loved a whole lot more.

Im far a bigger person than I was before. I embrace all the challenges of sharing a life with my beloved.

I wouldnt change anything thats happened up until now.

I guess I discovered things just at the right time, after getting married and not before... 

Jo Ntsebeza is a qualified professional coach, facilitator, trainer and lay counsellor.

All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website. 

Join our FREE FACEBOOK GROUP: THE LOVE CAFE for free online relationship advice

Learn how to seek your own love first. See ya in our Facebook group SOUL FULL LOVE

Love and hugs, xoxo Jo

For more videos, classes and healthy relationship advice follow Jo on Facebook

New! Comments

Have your say about what you just read! Leave me a comment in the box below.